Right now, I am full of all kinds of mixed feelings. If I elaborated I'd be here for hours, so I'll just say that.

Cameron and I are doing better. The last few weeks were kind of rough, because my feelings were really mixed: I had just been told that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and yet, we were still together. It took awhile for me to believe that he actually wanted to be with me, but I'm getting better now. There are still some subjects that are touchy, like girls, but I'm working on it.

He went to St. George for work today, and I had to leave at 7:00 in the morning to do finish a presentation that was due today, so I left him at 7:00 and didn't see him till around 9:40 tonight. It was really, really sad and I really missed him (I know it's just a day, but there's a difference between not seeing them because you are busy with other things and not seeing them because they're in a different city). During poetry, me, Dane, and Megan were sitting out in the hall talking. Dane is on ballroom, and it's concert weekend so he's totally sleep deprived and grumpy and such, and he started exactly like Cameron does when he's sleepy. I pointed this out, and Megan agreed with me (she's good friends with him) and all of a sudden I felt this rush of missing/nostalgia/adoration that I haven't felt in a really, really long time. It was surprising, because I always considered Cameron to be such a huge part of my life and in that moment, I realized that he had faded from it for a little while. I spent a lot of time with him, yes, but when I was away from him--in classes or whatever--I didn't bring him up as much, and neither did anybody else. And when I did, it was negative qualities. It makes me really sad, because he is a person that I love so much, and I almost lost him. Not just because we broke up for a few hours, but because I was moving away from him. I had multiple people ask me if we were still dating over the course of the semester, and that upset me, but looking back it's understandable that they would wonder. I spend most of my days at school by myself, or surrounded by other people, because Cameron and my schedules did not intersect in the slightest besides ballet. And I never really talked about him.

I'm really glad that we decided to stay together. I think breaking up--if only for a moment--helped me realize what is actually important in our relationship, and I think it helped him realize exactly what he'd be losing if we ended it. I am still kind of upset that he broke things off when he wasn't really sure, because that caused some damage...but I think it's damage I can get over.

He's sleeping in my bed next to me right now. I wish that I could go join him, but first I have to write a paper :(.

My friggin laptop battery died. I've only had the thing for a year and a half, and we specifically got the bigger, more expensive one so it would have a longer life...and it's died. I can't even take it off a/c power without the computer shutting down. So I now have a lightweight desktop, and replacement batteries cost 200 bucks. Yeah, somehow I don't see that happening. My mom said she'd take care of it, but I don't think there's much sensibility in paying 200 dollars for something that will probably die in a year anyways. Maybe I'll just call her tomorrow and ask her to put that 200 bucks towards a Mac instead. They haven't given me massive headaches, unlike Dell batteries, and Windows, and PCs in general. 

Ugh. I hate computers.

If I fell in love with you would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
‘Cos I’ve been in love before, and I found that love was more,
Than just holding hands,
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start,
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, of please,
Don’t run and hide,
If I love you too, oh please don’t hurt my pride like her.
‘Cos I couldn’t stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you...

So I just found out this girl who absolutely DESPISES me (for no reason I'm aware of, I might add) is going to be living in the same apartment building as I am.

This, paired with the fact that my room is tiny and doesn't come with essential pieces of furniture (desk, dresser), is making me thinking about relocating. I know it's a bit drama queen to move out because a girl who doesn't like you is moving in, but I have a reallly bad feeling about it. Like I'd be willingly moving into a den of wolves or something.

Anyways. If anyone knows of cheap, decently sized private rooms close to campus in Cedar city, let me know.

Cameron is in the hospital. His stomach started hurting around 3, he was on his way to the hospital after 4:10. He told me not to come.

It's 5:28 now and I haven't heard anything :( and I can't stop crying. I'm looking up prices on greyhound and delta and I'm considering stealing my car and I just can't deal with this. I feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend because I'm not there. I don't want to think about it but it's all I can think about. Everything around me reminds me of him.

I found myself praying in the car on the way home. I want nothing more than to hear from him and be able to sit next to him when he's sick :( And I can't.

So here I am, reading about WallE and itching to watch a Pixar movie. And then I realize...

I DONT HAVE ANY PIXAR MOVIES BECAUSE MY BROTHER AND SISTER IN LAW TOOK ALL OF THEM. AND MY MOM SAID NOTHING.

Frikkin' A.

I hope that my mom figures out that those weren't really movies that were just up for grabs and gives me this for my birthday. Because MAN, finding out that a third of your movie collection has gone missing is NOT cool.

At least they didn't get the Disney movies....

I want to go home.

My heart hurts.

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

so my promise ring was able to get re-sized (take that, blonde fortier jewelers girl who said it would end up oval because 'a size 10 --cannot-- go down five sizes.'!!). It was actually resized 4.5 sizes and it's perfectly circular and looks just like it did when I got it, except that it fits on my ring finger and not on Cameron's index finger :).

Here is a picture, for anyone who is interested:
It's black hills gold, which is significant to me, and it incorporates my favorite black hills gold design ( a rose) and it's a heart. it was also originally like 200 bucks, but we got it on sale for 41.93 + shipping so like fifty bucks. There were five left, hence the size 10.  Resizing cost 25 bucks, so I went  slightly over budget but Cameron said it was fine because I liked it so much. His is hard to describe but he really likes it and I think it suits him very well. I'm glad that the searching/ordering/shipping/resizing is over because now I can just enjoy it! Now all I need is some more black hills gold jewelry to go with it...

Also, earlier today I was trying to play real estate agent for  Verity but failing because she is little miss nitpicky about absolutely everything, so i gave up and looked at the pet ads instead. i mentioned to my mom that they had golden retriever puppies available and she actually seemed interested. She asked about price and where the breeders were, and if they mentioned family histories (since goldens have a huge tendancy to have epilepsy and hip dyplasia, family history is really important). Most of the puppies left were males, and my mom doesn't really want a big boy dog...but it still gave me hope that there might be a dog in the house soon! That thought makes me really, really happy. I absolutely love dogs and I miss having one terribly. And think of all the activities that brings up! I could walk it and play with it in the park and brush it and annoy the hell out of it o_o.

Anyways, I'm off.

PS Cameron is leaving for Cedar soon. Probably before the end of the month. I don't know if I'll be joining him, if i do it won't be for a few weeks. I'm pretty much heart-broken :(.

So last night I was just chillin in Smith's, getting candy for sale and waiting in line for a register when i glance to my right and see this woman wearing an ugly t-shirt and no pants. I did a double take, and I surmised she was wearing what looked like underwear, but no pants/skirt/nothin. Her ass was just hanging out there for all the world to stare at and be made uncomfortable by. The girl next to her was wearing an [ugly] tube dress and you could see the bikini top under it, so I figured that they had probably just finished swimming, but could have no pants girl really not have had a towel with her or something? I mean, where is there even a POOL near 9th and 9th? I mean, really? Fairmont is in Sugarhouse, Steiner is at the university, as well as the HPER. and despite that, how hard is it to put on a freaking pair of pants? Or a towel, or an ugly skirt, or ANYTHiNG? God. People are so tasteless sometimes.

I don't know why it upset me so much, but it really, really did.

Another thing that's been bugging me lately is the twilight series. WTF is up with these books? I haven't read them, haven't had a real desire to, and from what I can gather it's not something that people should be going effing nuts over. But they ARE. I know so many girls who are like "OMG EDWARD CULLEN! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!"
I've actually been trying to get a hold of the books, but I think the only way I feasibly will is by buying them. which I don't want to do because I have a feeling i won't like them. I read the plot summaries for all of  the books, and that combined with the sheer idiocy of most of the fans makes me dislike it already. I've heard it doesn't actually have all that great of writing, but then again, neither did Harry Potter.

I also can't help but feel like Stephanie Meyer just got 'inspired' by the first two seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Kindhearted vampire and the high school girl who falls in love with him? They can't have sex for <insert reason here?> Hmmmmmm.

I know I shouldn't judge a book by its cover (or its fan base), but MAN it's annoying to see all these groups and things absolutely devoted to Twilight, and girls who fawn over Edward Cullen like he's the new freaking Mr. Darcy.

I'll read them eventually. But until I can get my hands on a  copy that I don't grudgingly have to own, I'll read Atonement instead.

new layout. I've had a soft spot for amelie lately. And I have absolutely no idea where the background image came from, but I like it. 

So Allen got married.

I have no idea how to feel about it, but for some reason I feel really really sad.

Which is probably -not- how i should be feeling.

v_v.

MY FEET HURT SO EFFING BAD.

I get to wake up at 5:45 am the next two days.

I had to tan.

I will probably mess up at some point.

But on Sunday I will be FREE!! and chopping my hair off.

That is all.

The other half of the earrings that Cameron gave me before we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and before he gave me the necklace that matches them :(. They're somewhere in his room, I just don't know where...

Muffin.

Emma.